Fatted Calves
The new body culture is finally bringing its rewards, thanks to a hormone treatment that rapidly restructures body fat to muscle - all overnight, during a true beauty snooze.
But it's way-out expensive, and only the rich and famous can indulge. After all, what's a thousand bucks a day when the result is a body to die for?
There are some side effects - no pain, no gain! But when innocent people start paying a steep price for the star's self-improvement regimens, CURE's Dr. Smith sends Remo and Chiun to infiltrate the Lycra crowd and the hallowed halls of the legalized drug trade. Soon their investigation is blocked by a greedy corporation, but the worst challenge is from an army of celebrities - lean, mean products of a killer diet...
The covers seem to be heading back to the style of a few years ago - the baddies get the limelight, while either Remo and/or Chiun are depicted in the back. I picked the book up on Sept. 25 and have read 91 pages so far. OK - the new author knows more about Remo and Chiun than the last twit, BUT... there are still many problems with the details. Remo batters his fish with eggs and flour.. Remo has to use his "SINANJU TRAINING" to cross the street?! Remo has Chi powered breath. Chiun lives in his La-Z-Boy recliner watching Monday Night Football. Chiun talks more like a fortune cookie, and is vulgar. Smith is hooked on TV. Remo and Chiun don't really "click."
BUT - the story is classic Destroyer, the book is better (if we ignore the perfidity) than some of the past Destroyers, and I can see a ray of hope on the horizon. But (again with the but) there is virtually no "connection" to the past books.
It's Sept. 26 - did I actually have a positive outlook on this rancid waste of tree pulp? Perhaps driving past the Burger Barn and Grease Emporium allowed the deadly fumes to ensnare my weak mind. Whatever the reason, I am pissed. The book had potential. The plot was decent. But Remo and Chiun were written for "flatland" - they have zero depth. Zero interaction. Chiun is a La-Z-Boy bound, football freak that occasionally spouts off inane sayings worse than any fortune cookie. He also farts. And eats airplane food. And fears guns. And is cowed by Remo. And is slow. I think the author mixed up Al Bundy with Chiun. What's with the dick jokes? #108 and #109 had the same "don't think with your little head" line.
Chiun needs advice on sneaking into a building, can't hide worth squat, and treats Remo like any other bozo. According to the author, Remo and Chiun split the Gold that goes to Sinanju. WHAT? Chiun is the "only teacher of Sinanju." Teacher?! Remo is a lazy fool - in reality, not just in Chiun's opinion! When Remo wastes someone, he calls Smith for a "Disposal Team." What happened to the arguments between Remo and Chiun? The inevitable garbage bags or large suitcases? Chiun needs to use a seatbelt so he can sleep upright in a car seat?! Sleep in a car?! Need a seatbelt? Ohhh, and it gets even better. Chiun prefers the isle seat in airplanes so he can watch the inflight movie (what happened to the wing seat?!)
Chiun treats his "Emperor's" words like pearls of true wisdom, respects him, and harkens to his slightest whim. Come on!!! Chiun has always treated Smith with a little respect to his face, but always considered him mad - like all emperors, almost useless. Except for their gold. Now this?! If Chiun is confounded or lost, he turns to Smith or Remo! What, we suddenly have a doddering old man here?! And there is even more. I'll stop with one final insult to my favorite characters - when confronted by wild animals, Remo and Chiun HIDE IN CAGES, afraid for their lives!!!
Remo is back in James Bond mode. Smith is not only cheap, but moronically so. He's rather be home watching Matlock reruns than working?! He now hand forges documents with magic marker? And what's with all this "Chi" power crapola? Sinanju is described as another martial art, a dance even! The series is doomed.